Pt.1 The Festival
The Festival
In May of 2018, I was asked to fly overseas to participate in a festival. The aftermath was so frustrating that I felt the need to write a post about my experiences. This is that post.
While the post has been censored and many of the more colourful language removed, there are still many jokes not suitable for younger readers here. So if you’re under the age of 30 kindly click away, or your parents will get mad at me.
_______________
THE FESTIVAL was... interesting.
During my one week stint in Hamburg, Germany with the Ajo Band (AKA Wakanada), I met some of the loveliest people on Earth, I shared music wholeheartedly with some truly amazing musicians, and I had an experience that could be described as "happier than childbirth" by anyone who's never actually had a child.
But for every Ying, there is a Yang. For every Jedi, there is a Sith. And for every adjective, there is an antonym. While THE FESTIVAL had some of the moments that I would cherish the most in my lifetime, it also contained some of the worst organization I have ever witnessed outside of a mosh pit. The actions they took to care for their artists were akin to interpretive dance; random at best, and deliberately Machiavellian at worst. I would equate their management capabilities with that of 4 golden retrievers in a trench coat if not for the fact that dogs are generally capable of getting simple tasks done.
Before the trip, we were promised four very simple things: free transport, free accommodations, free food, a rehearsal space. Let's start with transport.
My trip started May 21st at 5:30pm when I kissed my beautiful girlfriend goodbye and prepared lubrication for my blue-gloved security dominatrix who had informed me as I walked into the airport that I would soon be "randomly selected". After removing the ball-gag and biting back a "doody free" joke, I made my way to my flight where I met up with my band mates.
The initial jaunt on our sky-tube was nice. It was relatively empty, so the stewardess let me switch seats to a soon-to-be blanket fort named "Castle Beastmode". Like the second song of a Disney movie, I was filled with hope and optimism, excited for what the glorious next day would bring.
Of course, had I read my ticket thoroughly, I would have realized that "the glorious next day" would include a mind-numbing 12 hour layover in Amsterdam.
But that was fine, right? We spent a few bucks on an all-day bus pass and explored the city! Of course, as the day went on, we became more and more aware of the fact that we had not slept in over 24 hours and that this was starting to strain our patience slightly.
"How about a quick lunch break?", one would suggest. "How about you dip your tonsils in honey and go lick an anthill?", another would append "*INFINITY WAR SPOILERS*", yet another would chortle
And so lunch was had by none.
But we made it through! A quick rehearsal, some sight-seeing, and a few brief naps in a library later, we were back on route. We opted to split up for the last few hours of our day so as to take in the sights at our own pace and dress our knife wounds, and so I was the first one to arrive back at the airport, ready for the second leg of our journey to jolly Hamb--
"Your flight has been cancelled"
Aha! Yet another development on our quest.
Yes, as it turns out, it appears there was an issue in France which caused several pilots from our airline to be left behind. And so our flight had been cancelled. My helpful suggestions went ignored, though I can't imagine why we couldn't "cut the cord and let those cowardly co-pilots have their day in the sun.", and instead we were offered accommodations at a swanky 4.5 star hotel. It was a beautiful place, and due to some clever negotiating, each band member ended up with a room to themselves. Each with proper furnishings, a bath deep enough to lose a child in, and four beds with enough room in them to provide shelter to a ragtag family of European nudists.
So our problem was not one of comfort, but one of math. Because you see, the last shuttle bus arrived at the airport for 10pm. The dining hall closed at 11pm. Our makeup flight left at 6am. The shuttle bus left at 4:45am. When we factor in the time it took to have our meals made and eaten, the time it would take to groom ourselves, and the amount of time it would take to pass our Biblical bowel movements, we were left with approximately 48 seconds to get a full night's rest. Our sleep that night was like a fourth grader's first kiss; frantic, unsatisfying, and ultimately pointless. We awoke groggier than we had been before we splet, and we were rounded into the shuttlebus by people shouting German… miserable, tired, and huddled like... uh... like...
Ok, listen, I swore I wouldn't make any WWII jokes about this trip so I won't, but we all see the one that's just hanging there, right? Because if you see it, that's on you, not me.
Anyway, long story short we make it to Hamburg. We've hit a point in our exhaustion where we can't actually feel normal emotions anymore. Life is passing by in varying shades of slow motion. And that is why when we saw what came out of the baggage carriage, none of us could muster even a modicum of outrage. On the rotating luggage trolley was, you guessed it, the ragtag family of European nudists.
Oh wait, sorry, my memory is giving out on me. No, on the trolley was "nothing". As in "not our bags". As in "KLM lost our luggage (including two guitars, my electronic sampling setup) and possibly killed our percussionist's pet dog (I can't confirm she actually had a dog, but I will say she definitely spent the week WITHOUT one)". We filled out the report quarter-heatedly because at this point none of us really cared. We smelled like Trump looks, our muscles were long beyond the point of reminding us we were not athletes, and I'm 80% sure my heart actually stopped at some point. Our bandleader met us at the arrivals gate, his phone now 3 generations out of date since the time of our landing and we were ushered into a cab.
We had now arrived in Hamburg! After this rocky, rocky start surely nothing could go poorly now! Haha! Of course things got worse! We're all adults, let's not pretend we don't understand foreshadowing.
TO BE CONTINUED IN PT. 2